The Little Jar Of Hope
My biggest enemy lives in my own head. To be honest when I saw my name written in this challenge I cringed of fear and beat myself up for a short moment cause I felt like I had failed everything and everyone, yes, even the plants around me.
As the winter brought the shadows my dillinfused oil went rancid. All of it. I blamed myself but I tried again. Failed. Again. Same story. Maybe it wasn't for me I thought. Maybe just my hands kill everything it touches. Maybe there wasn't any hope. I didn't fill another jar for some time.
I decided to give those medicines April sent me a real try cause I realized I have never really taken any medicine when it comes to my health more than living in the lie for far too many years now that cannabis is the only herb with power and that she is going to save me with an abrakadabra from my traumas, complex ptsd and my pain like some sort of godsent saviour.
That was the first thing I noticed. My lies. I couldn't escape them anymore and the little devil that had been living on my shoulder for decades got company by this new voice. I will call it the voice of love. The song of the plants.
'Stop lying to yourself and stop running from it all' it whispered. I realized my habits could very well be causing more stress than good in my life and maybe I already had known that deep inside for a very, very long time. Maybe I was in a huge conflict with myself and maybe the time had come to really slow down and start to pay attention, one time for all.
Then grandma died in the beginning of this year and I have not really come to understand that yet, it still feels like she is around and I catch myself talking about her like she's still breathing and alive. At the same time I got the news that they will tear down our home and the garden I love so much to build a road and that I had to be out and moving in 3 months. The thought of the little oasis I had come to call my home, where I planted different kinds of flowerseeds in a wish to see them bloom, where I had long conversations with the pines and the oldest rose I've ever met, being smashed under a road broke my heart.
One morning, some days after grandmas funeral I noticed that my Demystify Your Medicine Coven-pendant looked different. First I thought it was dirt on it but then I noticed it actually had rusted a little. Tears was swelling up in my eyes as I held it in my hand. Had I destroyed this too I asked myself but before I started with the selfbeating the little voice of love asked me to look again.
The rust had actually highlighted one word on the pendant and that alone changed everything. Demystify YOUR medicine coven. I red it again. Your medicine coven. Your medicine. Yours. I gazed out the window and there was my favoritepine looking back at me.
'This is your healing and your journey. This is you, trying to turn your life around to be able to live again. Remember to take it in your own pace. It is not a competition and this time child, you are actually not alone' the voice sang.
I felt the need to go down to her. Sit by her trunk and watch the sea like many times before and overwhelmed by feelings I promised her not to give up again. Not to push away the love that was trying to reach me from inside. I wondered how many sunsets she had watched there and I figured her very own future was also threathened by this upcoming roadproject. We were in this together.
One of her lowhanging branches reached out to me. 'Take my hand' she said and I did't hesitate. The very next day I filled a jar with her needles, olive oil and I blended in some coconut oil. 'Let me prove to you that you can do this too and let my soul follow you wherever you will end up when the machines comes to take our home away'. I was humming as I poured the oil over her needles and before I put the lid on I whispered in tears 'Thank you'.
As I write this it is 3 weeks to go until time here is up and I don't really know to this day what I'm going to do or where I'm going to end up when that date comes. But one thing I know for certain and that is, wherever the wind takes me, there will for sure be an ally standing next to me. The pines will be there. The nettles too. Dandelion for sure and I'm not sure how I would be taken this all if that little promise of hope wouldn't be there.
Beside my pineoil on the shelf in the cabinet now stands a gingertincture and one made of dill. It is comforting to know that we will do this journey together.
So when I was asked how I had been taking healing into my own hands I didn't know what to answer at first but now I'm starting to see what a giant step I have been taken in order to be able to live and especially love myself again.
I now say no where I used to say yes. I also say yes in moments I used to let that little devil tell me no. I am taking control over myself and I am seeing a value in myself again that I don't know if I've ever seen before.
I know that the day I stand there, with a finished medicine I made with the very same hands that is holding it will be another stepping stone in this journey. That hope is keeping me focused on staying strong even though the universe decided to flip my whole world up side down this winter.
So, I welcome spring, with this brewing pine medicine in my hands and I can hear her sing to me loudly from outside the window:
'Child you have to know this, these wasn't jars of failure. These were jars of hope'.